my eyes keep watering uncontrollably each time i try to speak. there is a lot i wanted to discuss that day but by the time i sat on the couch it all just felt so minuscule, stupid, or deranged. some days it seems i'd be better off in a straitjacket or with a conservatorship. sometimes imagining hyper-violence upon yourself and others can have negative effects, but it can also have positive effects, you know? how so.. in a way it can feel meditative or restorative.. gratitude, something like that. they told me to stop speaking nonsense and to stay on topic. i've been worrying about things, the future scares me a lot. i try so hard not to think about it, but it causes me to just keep floating by.

i'm dealing with an ever growing parasite fighting for real estate within my skull. it won't stop pressing on the left side of my brain, each time it throbs and demands more space.. it is making me evil, making me resentful and jealous. it makes me want to reach inside my ear and remove my brain- just let the parasite guide me through life. wouldn't that be good and calm to just give up and let it whisk you away. "you can look more beautiful with a gun in your mouth, just don't, never pull the trigger". i feel so alone.. i get dragged along and i coast around, and i know i am still so alone. even if i am not in the position i was a few years ago not speaking to anyone.. it feels basically the same. in fact it kind of feels worse, because it just shows how i am failing over and over and over again.

what can be done about this predicament? there's no point constantly bringing it up, this is like the third time. i nearly collapsed this evening and remained non verbal for majority of the session. the past few days i've spent far too long outside and within close proximity of people. which is good for me, right? though it makes me feel more human whilst also a little bit less than human. after dinner a man came up to us asking for a lighter and said we all look like we're in a band. he was wielding two beers within one hand, then wished us a good night. he was really nice.. i was wondering why this morning i woke up at 8am, and was extremely groggy for most of the day. i had to hold it together again around more people but i think i didn't do a very good job. they said don't worry about that, people don't notice things as much as i may think they do. i feel like this is just a cope, i've heard the way people talk about others that are weird and fucked up in certain ways.. and whilst it can be slightly funny, i do feel bad. i feel that i'm not exempt from being berated like that.

mr. suicide .. it's been around three days now and my body is feeling slightly less nailed to the cross than before, but my mental is still a bit fucked up. although i'm not doing much to fight against this... i do know i need to see a doctor, and get some blood work done. i need my still sedentary blood dissected by someone who doesn't give a shit and is just trying to move onto the next thing. is this overly pessimistic, i just feel like no one gives a shit in general which is fine, but it is concerning when 'everyone' also includes doctors, surgeons, therapists, and the like. there is no way that this quality of life is normal to be experiencing at my age. my body is so weak, my energy is so low.. i suppose if all turns out to be just fine, then the problem really is just mental illness and post effects. i've spent so many years just trying to suppress and ignore; which did help.. but the moment you stop white-knuckling the bag closed it all comes bursting out all onto the floor. i'm about ankle-deep in it and it's quickly rising up to my knees. honestly even typing is quite exhausting in the sense that i typically wait until the end of the day to express my grievances but by now my mind is just devoid of any decent thought. soon, the contents of the bag will be up by my neck and i know i won't be able to stay afloat. it'll be too late, so i need to get help soon.. but i just cant.

what if i assume myself to be an artistic experience or a social experiment? how will people navigate and respond to this?

i've had little desire to do anything for the past few days and so i sat on the balcony doing nothing, with nothing.. for a little while. it is humid and grey this morning.. as a last ditch effort to feel less like a worthless piece of shit i decided i should work on my writing project again, since it only works when i am feeling my most pained. except nothing will come out, nothing is working. my mind is a barren wasteland of calcified pain and it isn't serving me anymore.. i seriously don't know what is wrong with me right now. i am sitting with my laptop on my lap, the documents open on the page. unable to muster anything up, and i am frequently zoning out looking at something in the room with essentially nothing going on in my mind. i am distracted, whilst not even scrolling, not even listening to anything. just nothing. it's true nothingness, rotting for the love of the game this time around. does it feel a bit calming, whilst also being sweetly peppered by an anvil of dread onto my head? yes.. i am crushed. this week my daily step count chart has looked like a decently healthy skyline instead of the twin towers. in regular terms, i went out nearly every day and got a decent amount of steps.. instead of my typical nearly 0 steps recorded featuring the two days i go out (the weekend).

attempting to be normal, attempting to be a real person outside of my mind and neuroses. attempting to have courage.. it feels okay, for now, attempting to have the courage to keep living and feeling that life can be a bit beautiful despite how disgusting and horrifying it is to me. despite the putrid and rancid people that could hurt me, i can try to spend time and enjoy time alone and with people who i like, and who like having me around. i can make what i experience my own kind of beautiful thing if i try. we don't always have to roll around in filth unless that is what we enjoy.

recently i've woken up soaked in sweat, getting blankets ripped off of me to which i then i fall back asleep. i've also been sleeping without a pillow recently, i just use a folded towel. that is irrelevant, but the former i suspect has been causing some vivid and strange dreams which i can thankfully remember..

1. slutty aquatic demon mermaid creatures. "they" left the hatch open again, they meaning some people i was with at the time.. this is a somewhat reoccurring dream; at least i had this knowledge when i was recapping this in my notes in a daze. as i am cleaning this text up in my txt i'm not knowledgable about this fact.. however, the school seemed familiar. as it has been said many times i have many, many dreams in schools.. and they are all different, and they are typically never a school that i have been too- to which i have been to many. these schools rarely make sense, and their architecture is always insane.. for instance, the classroom looked pretty standard but leaning more toward the retro side.. i had to walk down a short spiral staircase to check on the submarine looking 'hatch' which led toward a giant underground aquarium type thing! of course when i went to go make sure it was closed i saw a long mermaid creature with sharp teeth, scary eyes, and no 'hair' in the way that we understand hair. not conventionally hot by the way, most people would just find it scary as fuck… very androgynous but leaning on the feminine side.. but of course 'her' energy had a seductive quality to it. those sharp teeth were extremely unsettling, they were snarling at me as if it was going to rip me to shreds and eat me, so i had to swim up the slides, yes there were a suddenly a few spiral waterpark type slides to get back up to the classroom instead of using the stairs, since we were now creatures! there were two of us trying to get away, and i had to slither around trying to look attractive enough to not get eaten. we had both turned into beautiful aquatic things instantly from this scenario even though prior to checking the hatch we were all regular humans. in a classroom with a chalk board, with 4 people total, it was an after hours school club. you could tell there was interpersonal dramas within this group. anyway, i LOVE when i have dreams of reoccurring places, and i love when they're just weird and nonsensical like this.


2. my account was hacked. they had deleted everything, started following a bunch of people, proceeded to then unfollow everyone, and then blocked everyone who followed me. they began to harass me in person, and then kidnapped me. at some point, i ran into their home office, threw myself onto their desk chair and frantically tried to ruin their computer in revenge. but of course i got caught before I could do anything, i had no idea what to do.. i remember looking at the computer and seeing how shaky my hands were that i could only type 'how yo delete evertthing on compputer". i pressed the power button a bunch in a last ditch effort, of course that did nothing. the guy was scary.. but that was pretty much it once i got caught after my failure. later on, the dream transitioned and i gained sentience in some weird pilgrimesque cabin with some other people. there were clearly some abusive people there, and we were very scared. i had to help this disabled girl by carrying her outside to escape. she was malnourished, and she had blonde hair. we hid in an unfinished animal pen outside, hiding behind some shrubs as the guy emerged outside with a rifle yelling at someone else in the distance. he had an old flowy white button down, with brown pants.. with a black choker on. i remember we had to rush to eat some scraps out of a plastic bag that i had smuggled before we ran off.. it was shredded chicken and boiled eggs, we ate it together with our dirty hands. the guards and staff eventually they found us. as the man with the rifle stood there and gave the guards orders-they carried the disabled girl away. one of the guards then tried to lift me up then he fell right on top of me in a weird way.. the other staff looked disgusted at me as if it was my fault. they eventually picked me up, and who knows where we went after that.


3. pathetic and sad, it was an end of year / years dance recital x art thesis wrap up type event.. peers were being very mean and evil to me, although some other people liked me. basically, people were bringing gifts and flowers as celebratory offerings for finishing the year.. and someone brought me a milkshake or smoothie with nice writing on the cup, but someone stole the cup, drank the smoothie and then blacked out all the text on it that the person wrote for me. then i couldn't find my way out of the building by the end of it, and it was taking place in an unsettlingly empty mall. i had to keep walking around alone since so many people had already celebrated and left but i was still struggling to find all my belongings from the year. so i slowly was just navigating this space while picking up a bunch of old relevant things such as dolls and tiny props from performances… i just remember other ppl were getting so much praise and kindness. so much pain happened. there was also a massive eggbert cup used to try and bribe me to get close to it.. and i suspect it would've probably hurt me. later on i realized i had a remote and i was trying to click random buttons to try and spawn out of the area.. strange.


4. i was being absolutely hunted by a bunch of police / tactical military gear people for a reason that i am not sure, but there was quite a few people on "my side" which were also being hunted. i had to run under the underpass, try to get into peoples cars to hide, attempt to climb shit but it was so hard. so many people did not want to help us by letting us get into the car. i saw some people i was running with die. the hunters had the energy of ICE agents, kind of sluggish and not athletic, seemingly immature, large ego'd and unprofessional. every failure on their part was embarrassing to them, so they take it out on someone. i struggled a lot, but this one hunter was trying to hard to get me and this other girl. he got her after a long time, and i was about to fail too. but i ended up getting so close to dying that i was able to wrestle with him and his gun- trying to point it away from my face! i ended up twisting his finger and breaking it, and ripped a part of it off! the dream ended by me running over to a marathon winners photo within a tiny maze, and i collapsed right in front of them to get into the photo after ripping his finger off. no, i don't understand.



5. trying to get soft serve in this totally massive building but the buildings were encased in this.. dome or protective casing that made it almost like its own private small city. it's confusing. the buildings itself were extremely expansive and confusing inside whilst still being cramped and maze-like. once you step out of a building you are "outside" but it's not really outside at all. even though it looks like it a little, this is likely making no sense. it was dark, city scape… but we are still "inside" due to the protective layer. there was some annoying teens bothering us too.. i forgot so much, but i wish i could've taken pictures… i was inside of the dream with an iPhone recording videos but of course, i don't have the footage.


6. i was in a beautiful airbnb that looked suspiciously like an old house i used to live at. but of course by now it was completely renovated.. whilst also being in a different location. there was beautiful winter scenery… snow everywhere but tiny pops of brown and green flora on the ground. very organic and scraggly weeds and chunks of shrubbery, not flat grass. sharp tall barren trees bending and framing the floor to ceiling windows. i was with two people, a girl and a boy. the interior was full of mid century modern furniture and a there was a little dial on the wall with multiple lighting presets, i clicked through them all. it was so beautiful and i was trying to take photos. the girl was standing in a long sleeve black leotard. i am once again wishing i was able to have these pictures outside the dream realm. due to being in this familiar house there was a strange air of a threat and seeing [REDACTED] again. it was really strange, a lot that i can't remember. i only remembered the good parts somehow, should i be glad?


7. going through things in "my" room which happened to be extremely huge and beautiful. although it seemed neglected or like i hadn't been there in a very long time for some reason. i pushed a small vintage side table out of the way and saw a strange bright blue moth on the back. i assumed it was dead and just stuck on it but when i moved the table its wing moved a little bit .. and then it began to fly around the room slowly. i recorded it and it was beautiful, i recorded it flying around in front of some of my art on the walls which was framed and then some just pasted up shoddily. the room was warmly and sparsely lit by a few lamps- the ambience was unreal. there was a looming threat of something bad going to happen as usual but i ignored it and i'm slowly forgetting whatever it was. i lost the moth somewhere and then sat on the floor near the bed and began going through a bin full of more art. some 1/1 black and white rare prints i had made in the dream. they looked cool.. then i looked and saw there was an iridescent FISH swimming.. in the room. it's not possible yes, but the fish was swimming in the air but there was sparkly air bubbles surrounding him. it was extremely entrancing to see the bubbles around it whenever it moved and the warm light reflecting off of the surface of the bubbles. i used my hand to try and push it without touching, wondering if pushing air was similar to pushing water. the fish split up into three smaller fish and dispersed around the room. i recorded them more and eventually i saw them exit the room from the crack in the door. i remember before i got to this point in the dream there was something unsettling and scary happening but my mind has forgotten it though my body remembered upon waking up.


8. i was fighting for my life and running around from some guys trying to kill 'us' again. he was large, fat and seemed unkempt. he had a knife and i only had a pair of scissors. i stabbed him right in the stomach with the scissors splayed open, and then pulled it out. he stabbed me at the exact same time but it hit my hipbone, I felt the blade hit the bone but was unable to penetrate further so this saved me. we were in a cheap fish store, it was so cramped.. tanks of fish crammed inside of glass cages were only inches away from us. the lighting from tanks were the only thing illuminating the store.. i can't remember much else..


9. i was with some girls, i can't really remember the reason why.. but it was just a group of us. there was a lot of tension and i think it's because i've been watching yellow jackets again. a girl came up to me really upset, there had been a lot of fights recently and she was fuming again. she wanted to hurt me, i fended her off momentarily but then she grabbed a dying corpse and started spazzing out with it.. she began repeatedly stabbing the corpse. i told her killing me wouldn't make her skinnier or prettier. i don't know why, don't think that would've made the situation better but.. that's what it felt like was going on. as she hunched over the rotting corpse, hacking away at it with little friction or struggle due to the heavy decay of it all; i repeated.. killing me wont make your life better, it won't make you look better. she was waving it near me after butchering the other body now. i retreated and had left to this strange underground warehouse apartment loft thing which was somehow surreally blended with an underground cave and river. i was going through files they had on a coffee table, and saw some image showing bleeding grass and fields. there were medical graphs and diagrams showing things that looked like self harm cuts and stab wounds but instead of skin it was green grass around the cuts as if the grass and greenery is alive. it was bleeding.

i can feel the vein on the side of my temple through my hair, it is pulsing and it hurts. i'm feeling anxious in a way, and fearful about the uncertainty of the future.. again. i know it is normal, but i wish i could just run away from all of these things, none of it makes sense to me. it's an unfortunate bore.. once again, i'm feeling so slow. difficulty, and a failure.. but i'm being hard on myself. i'm retreating into fantasy, but my dreams are betraying me. most of these dreams that i cannot, and will not share because they are too personal and upsetting. dreams that hurt me the worst are rarely violent, it is all psychological.. it is all verbal. it hurts me the most. it scars me and wounds me the deepest. they rot and fester so potently, it is leaves me feel a tad paralyzed but i didn't really need assistance in that regard currently. i already feel so frozen and scared.. but i suppose i will go about my day.

there is this specific type of presence that i am lacking extremely badly in my life and i wish i could have it so badly, so i have no choice but to do this for the time being. retreat, retreat... daydreams are addictive. i'm really exhausted, and anhedonic. i can't even write, i can barely do anything. yesterday i went to bed at 5am and then woke up around 12.. i feel totally fine and honestly refreshed though. i ate some beautiful beef noodle soup and dumplings.

laying horizontal in the chair, and it feels like i am in a confessional booth. i'm feeling so defeated, so many things are not working out for me. they said that's not true, i am just being hysterical.. isn't that gaslighting? shouldn't you know about this? they ignore. everyday and every moment that i am not painting or thinking about painting is torture, trying to live is becoming incredibly bleak, and even when i wonder how i can make it easier for myself the prospect of losing time to paint creeps up through my ear and into the back of my mind. it was hailing a lot, raining extremely hard.. it made me feel more on edge, i've been having short and frequent anxiety attacks the past few weeks.. i wish it all would stop. i'm tired of people lying to me, i'm tired of nobody caring. fuck you, and i have nothing more to say, and see you next week.

i'm sitting around, watching the jets shoot past my window. they are so loud that it erupts and nearly shakes my chest. they look cool when they disperse after doing their little send forward. last night i had difficulty sleeping because my neighbours were blasting bad music and yelling again. it was around 2am, last time it was until 5am. just blabbing about the stupidest things ever, it sounds miserable to say i know, but it really was. they were discussing very boring relationship qualms as if they were in high school but they are much older than me, and i am not young..

i'm feeling embarrassed lately because i just can't keep my mouth shut with my disgusting pessimism and nihilism. i want to put duct tape over my mouth. it is really unsightly, but i am so exhausted that it is hard to help it. the line holding me within politeness is getting so fractured and weak, the dam is getting weak, getting soggy.. i burst out crying from sadness and embarrassment in an instant when just moments before i felt absolutely nothing at all. it feels like i am being tormented and humiliated constantly. i can never tell what is real and if i am over exaggerating things in my head.. i'm trying hard to cope and not let these things win over me because i am still stubborn despite it all. it's not fair, they can't win.. they can't kill me.. but perhaps the loop hole is me doing it myself right? but it's no worries.. i'm too afraid of death. too too afraid of death. i want to live comfortably, decently, and not be a failure.. and it's barely for myself. it's mostly out of spite, which is not good i am aware of that.