repulsive, so repulsive, reprehensible.. the obsession with revulsion is a coping mechanism to distract from the daily life and past traumas that creep into the peripheral vision of ones mind when trying to exist. the ropes and the blood.. in every aspect there is attraction and yet the ugliness keeps bringing me in with its intrigue. it's a demonic spell. there's nothing wrong with being that way, fucked up or strange. the antichrist, the cockroach spawned from shit and piss. a fiery medical complication of torn flesh and neglected tissue.. though commencing at birth, the descent was spurred by many events.. halted for a short period and then triggered once more by another traumatic event. this type of situation you cannot hide for long no matter how hard you try, and the outcome is an intriguing display of true art that you simply can't trade in for anything. priceless, really. there is a worm inside of my ear that keeps telling me the opposite of what i've been told, tell me to ignore what they're telling me. the creator didn't give me these hands..

i'm just so tired i told them, i've hid and i hide from people and everything because i am weak.. i love to hide because it's what i do best. standing in the open invites sadism upon you, it's not what i want. there is a different type of torment that i seek and it is done by a gentle and unfamiliar hand which i soon become accustomed to. why? because i missed how it felt to know that someone was truly there, truly listening to me. watching and actively acknowledging the fact that i am alive. liked.

everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. tenderly stitch the wounds below the knee and wrap them up with gauze. massage the burns on the wrist and ankles. rub salt into the wound and then flush it with saline. dump the contents of the bag out onto the floor. i said that i was not ready for death and they told me that there is no choice, death comes to those who have a magnetic pull toward it. a cup is not responsible for being filled with either wine or poison. a victim is not responsible for it's torment or it's brutal death. you can hide your injuries or scars from the outside world but it is no use for hiding from death. i had visions of being roadkill on the side of the road when a small and wobbly animal limped over to me and started to lap up with the warm blood flowing out of one of the many craters of my body. when suddenly a million hungry vultures began ripping the animal to shreds in front of me, despite my innards splayed all over the black asphalt ready to be consumed. they wanted to kill, they didn't want my available body that had been laying there for who knows how long. they ripped it by the throat, then the stomach and i could hear its piercing wailing echoing inside of my skull as my vision began to get more and more blurry. the now wretched thing, laying next to me with chunks taken out of it, the eyes now dark and glassy pointed in my direction. somehow, though cursed to the same fate something seemed warmer, and i felt a strange air of peace laying beside the barely there thing. time froze for a moment until the hound began violently ripping into us more and more in a frenzy.. until we were both nothing but a darkened stain with chunks of hair and fur on the ground. no one will know we were ever there, unless they take a close look surrounding their feet, avoiding the strewn cigarette butts and to dodge dog shit along the sidewalk. that would've been the closest thing i've ever had to a sibling, family.

hardcore for life i say, let's show cuteness in a traumatic way. they scoff at me, never bringing their eyes up from the papers. what is worse, physical or mental trauma? does it matter either way, both can damage the nervous system beyond repair.. but which do i find the most effective in ruining a persons life? of course mental. the possibilities are endless, though maybe a cocktail of the two can bring us to new heights. why do you ask? i don't know, just wondering. looking at you brings out the sadist in me, and this is good.. this creates possibilities, new insights, growth. it is incredibly inspiring. dehumanize yourself and become an object, a vessel for endless creations. there is no mask you can wear to hide this from me, you are not a slave to a god that does not exist. show yourself to me and we will make you perfect. open yourself to new experiences, we will not do anything that will not make you stronger. what would be the point?

silence, i lay back on the couch and check the time on my phone, unlocking it and swiping back and fourth without opening any apps. i feel awkward, i'm thinking about what am i going to make for dinner, the stuff i have to do when i get home. i can't help you if you don't want to get better. i feel jump scared, it's echoing in my mind. i feel a sense of regret coming here, but where else was i supposed to go, or do? the feeling won't go away. no one held your hand before, and no one is going to hold your hand to lift you up out of the puddle of blood on the hardwood floor. no one is going to caress your damp head as you hide against your knees in the bathtub. you're an adult. i do feel old but i also feel like something happened a while ago and i'm living inside of a decomposing corpse just dragging it around. i feel so tired, my body feels heavy even though it's dwindling away. i consume and it feels fruitless, i've given up on movement. i want to be emptied out, re stuffed and then laid to sit still. you can do little wrong as a sculpture..

i brought up my concept of the white rabbit, which is a painful, disturbing, freeing and/or transformative experience. whether it is big or small, it can be a person or a thing, doesn't really matter. it just needs to be something that leads you into the deep hole which can be a scary or unknown path that others would be too afraid to venture off into. a metaphorical endless expanse of rancid sewers within a dimly lit house. it doesn't need to be something shocking to every individual, just something that YOU will never be the same afterwards because it opens your eyes forever. whether this hurts, traumatizes, reinvigorates, heals, caresses you.. doesn't matter where you find it.. doesn't matter as long as it affects you in a way totally different than it would someone else.. it just needs to change you. after a coffee break, i started with how i feel so defined and contained by this compulsion that i can't escape from, but i don't want to escape from it. it is me, it is my purpose in this life.. at least i think so. it's a known fact of myself that i get overly obsessive with things though they don't come and go short lived. these last for years, and so far.. this one has been quite a few. the thing is though, it has a positive effect overall but it is still a point of contention. they said it is fine, and it is a gift.. i need to be grateful for this, so many people can't phantom possessing this gift. i don't feel so sure about this statement, i also feel dissatisfied frequently. flaccid attempts, hollow attempts, poor excuses just for the sake of it. genuinely if i didn't though, i would be utterly worthless. i fear that there is nothing else to me. i keep having intense feelings of fear and abandonment. it paralyzes me until i am doing nothing. i hate this feeling, maybe i should just go in the shower to think. everything is so exhausting.. everything is just so tiring even when i am trying my best to claw myself out of it. i wish someone would just drag me out but it can't be helped. i won't ask for it, because it is revolting.

witness me completely through the eyes deep within the recesses of your grumbling stomach, love me with the hidden heart deep and plunged down to your bowels.. and may the tapeworms wriggle around and constrict your intestines until you are bursting from the inside out with all the love to give me. love me while it slowly seeps out, and begins to gush out of your eyes, ears and mouth. i'll accept it all while scared, nervous to be seen.. with cupped hands struggling to contain all that i can. after chasing the sun on the hardwood floor, the weight anchor me down to the ground. everything feels like it's going to come gushing out of me, my skin pulling and tugging. every tuesday i grow too large for this body, i scratch my skin to create tears to breathe.. every thursday i'm drowning inside of it all, lifting my tattered skin over me like a blanket to hide beneath when it gets dark. my nose leaks down my chin and i wonder how fast the past years have gone by .. there is a dull and reoccurring craving to be melted into to an eternal hospital bed. put your hand on my clammy forehead as you pull the plug.

let's persevere for happier days, always. even if our insides are festering and everything on the outside smells like rot

٩(˃̶͈̀௰˂̶͈́)و

dreams

taliban snuff broadcast

an insanely massive brutalist architecture building made out of smaller concrete platforms in an almost jenga-like style, with bridges and no railings at all. built for an underground illegal live show where girls are doing their makeup, smiling and being cute for the camera. the show is run by terrorist-adjacent guys, plus a tiny hasbulla type guy which was the boss / figure head of the operation (like what.) all of them obsessed with FEMALE death and suicide. from a distance, after one of the girls finishes her makeup and is smiling and singing a little, she's standing at the edge of one of the platforms while the camera pulls to a wider angle. colourful arabic text is overlayed on the screen. one of the men's team fires a very long distance taser that zaps her body, making her go limp and fall forward. off of the edge of the concrete platform which is like, 80 floors up in the air. dropping to her death from an extremely high distance.. you just see her fall forward and down slightly before it cuts. you never see the landing.. i witness this and start running to find the other girls inside of this weird deathtrap. they're crying and panicking, so i grab two weapons and a cable and tell them to come with me. the show has to pause because the other girls can't be located by the camera men.. as we're making our way down to them. i lasso the wire around the small boss figure's neck and strangle him.. then i take shots at the others. the mini boss ends up lying unconscious on the floor and nobody seems to care about him about to die. they henchmen decide that we don't have to die because we proved how strong we were, i guess...

cabin pet

a man takes me in, he lives in a cabin-style home, but not out in the middle of nowhere. i'm essentially acting as a surrogate daughter, wife, and soggy dog. taking care of things. apparently doing a bad job though because he was really sweet in the beginning and slowly became dejected, which i never noticed. as time goes by... in a public space he starts masturbating while staring at something in the distance. i'm like what the fuck? then he turns it around on me and makes this suddenly all of my fault. says i haven't been satisfying him, that it's been a long time coming and he'd been coping for a while. i feel sick at how blindsided i am. he wants me gone. goes as far as saying he wanted to cover me in lighter fluid and set me on fire. i escape out into the night, jumping over a fence clutching a plush dog or bear. i have no idea where to go. barbed wire scratching my body up.

he's putting the house on the market so it's mostly empty now, and i end up hiding inside. poorly! just behind a sheer curtain. obviously i get caught, right in front of a client. i sprint and get away, but it's clear he wants me dead. i run and run until i end up inside what looks like a corporate building for young professionals. i follow a group into an elevator during what seems to be some kind of orientation. they've all been handed a small piece of paper, i stare at it. the elevator is mostly a glass box and i can see another elevator running somewhat parallel to us, and the lower level of the building below. it isn't going straight up, it moves up, sideways, back down, then up again, in this strange fluid way that makes it feel like continuous ascent. people start getting uneasy, asking what's going on. i just stand there, perplexed, wondering when i'm ever going to get a break. i was still completely heartbroken. i thought what i had in that cabin was something good, the orange-tinted warm light, the wood-paneled walls. i was so wrong i had no idea who that man actually was. i was nothing. it made me really paranoid, you don't even know anyone until they show themselves to you.

pandemic

a grotesque cannibal disease is taking over the area. there are a lot of mentally deficient people around.. unsettling, freaky types. dead bodies everywhere, wrapped up and thrown into massive piles. we're in the middle of nowhere, but with a few large facility buildings are around meant for learning. me and the art girls were gathered together in one room, just hugging each other and painting a chaotic mural on the dormitory wall. everyone was sickeningly sweet but i liked it, then we decided time was running out and there was no point- so we had to leave. i leave with a girl and we're walking and have to dodge and escape altercations with the freaky people, stepping over wrapped-up bodies that stink super badly. me and one of the girls sneak into what looks like a hospital. the entrance is abandoned and overrun so we have to squeeze through a small vent-like opening to reach the other side, where actual nurses are still operating.. once we get in though, some of the freaky people are inside too "being trained" by the nurses as a form of rehabilitation. it felt deeply off. you couldn't trust anything they're doing.. then i woke up.

castle walls

i was in a place that seemed like it was supposed to look like germany, but in kind of a fantastical way. there were massive like EXTREMELY extremely otherworldly tall old buildings that created secondary structures in and of itself. typically grey coloured stones.. also the whole ground was cobblestone and there were stairs everywhere. it was breathe taking, balconies and other levels apart of each building with old castle-like flags hanging everywhere… but everyone walking around was modern looking. it seemed like i was transported here from a mental asylum group in a white school bus. before i was allowed to down the stairs into the area with all the buildings, there was someone who held my mouth open and facilitated like 30 pills and liquid into my mouth before i entered the area, they were a trusted person and i miss them. no idea who they are, coloured blob now. another person came after me after a while and was fighting me and probably trying to kill me... i was running through the area for my life. but a lot of ppl were just watching. it ended by us on the ground and me in fetal position.

lolitawalk

i went to a lolita walk, the scenery looked insane and weird like nothing that exists in real life really.. a mix of brutalist architecture but with lots of greenery, however the plants were desaturated coloured grey and barely green. dirty drains, strange building.. i went to a class after the walk … there was a dead body guy half dead for some sort of musical theatre / acting class. i was staring and then he threw up on me, tons of white liquid all over my body. later on, it was suddenly bright and sunny outside with terracotta roads and desert landscape. i was going to a grocery store and delivering stuff with a blonde girl on a two person bike.. we gathered the supplies in a large bright white and blue liminal store, the food all had plain white and blue packaging. the butter was melting down her back and all over her so we pulled over and she lifted up her pink tank top to reveal extremely visible and defined ribcage. i had to try and scrape butter out of her rib cage and it was so intensely visible that it was legitimately hard to get it out of the crevices. the rest of her body was pretty much normal skinny though yet her ribs had no fat and had even more 'ribs' than a real human in real life.. another girl came over and was like wow i wish i had that problem. we went back to the class and i pretended to be the dead body. for some reason the teacher was annoyed with me multiple times and i was sitting on the floor and he kind of gently smacked the top of my head and i gasped, then he rubbed my head after. weird..

bathroom

there were 3 dollar dolls for sale in the girls bathroom, i took 3 but i couldn't reach other ones i wanted because they were all lined up on one skinny wall from the ceiling to the floor where the tampons machine would usually be. i found a more at a massive store which was a warehouse thing but they were overpriced so i didn't buy. it looked really cool and it was all in pastel gacha machines. the bathroom was of course nasty, and the toilets fucked up and super crowded like every washroom in a dream ever. i walked into a hogwarts looking classroom to change clothes in the dark wood armour but it was just a regular closet despite this being a dream so i looked fucking retarded climbing my long ass into there and scrunching up and closing the flaps on myself. i was hanging out with my friend and lost her. the city / town looked so odd but extremely reminiscent of other times i dream about big cities. the stores are huge and incredibly novel looking, kind of like if it was a game, like club penguin type building designs… i also started a painting, just a simple one, two girls looking away just their hair and back of their clothes exposed. i ended up adding some background filling the page entirely with paint.. it was blending so smooth and layering perfectly.

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